~Still damn depressed.
My Very First and Likely Most Passionate Blog Post EVER!
“Where I Live” (Written In 2006) My mind is racing to write on a subject that I have had on my mind for 7 months. This blogging is such a g...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
What is a Friend? It is a Single Soul Dwelling in Two Bodies. ~ Aristotle
***Names have been changed to protect the Innocent***
Soul Sisters. Those words came into my mind and my heart recently, and I have not been able to stop thinking about the meaning of such a poignant set of words. I had never really thought of putting the word "Soul" with the word "Sister", (Soul-Mate, yes; Soul-Sister, no) until a very recent heartbreaking incident happened over the past two weeks of my life, which continues to cause turmoil in my heart and soul.
Due to this, my journaling has become more frequent and more fervent, and I realized, while writing, that I have had a few Soul Sisters deeply connected to me, but not necessarily to each other, over the 10+ years while living in "Where I Live", that detestable place I called 'home'. These Sisters got me through many a rough time in my life over there. These sisters are mainly the ones who I was closest to, just before moving home to Missippi. Although, there is one, Rosalind, that I have known since moving to the Alabama Gulf Coast, whom I never thought would come into my life after a situation so many years ago, or even that I would LET into my life again after so many years had passed, but I did and I am a better person for it. To this very day, Rosalind is here for me and we stay connected as Soul Sisters, even after so many years of not speaking. As I have stated in other Blog Posts, FORGIVENESS is a powerful thing. Thank God, for Forgiveness, for it goes both ways.
As I was journaling a few days ago, it hit me that while writing my entry, I was actually composing my next Blog Post, and well, let's just say THANK GOD! I have been without inspiration for so long for my Blogger Blog that many of you have probably given up on me. Don't get me wrong, I write (especially now) almost every day, but much of my writings, or dare I say, RANTINGS, are so very emotional that it would not be wise in judgment to put them out here. But yesterday was a different story. On the second or third page, I began writing as if I were posting, right here, on my blog. After much thought and research for "names to change to protect the innocent", I decided to publish this post. I hope it touches your heart as much as mine has been touched in thinking fondly of the pleasant memories I have had with my Soul Sisters. I hope you think about the women in your life and how they have touched your life, whether it be in a positive, or even a negative way. I hope you find comfort in knowing that there are women out there who can be your Soul Sister and give you the strength, courage and contentment to carry on, as many of my Soul Sisters have done for me.
This is my Journal writing, and let me warn you, it is a little prosy, so I have added some thoughts and/or explanations in parentheses.
Blessings and Much Much L.O.V.E. to ALL!!
January 31, 2011
Journal Entry # 9 (New Personal MJ Journal)
Edited for content, by me.
Journal writing is in Italics.
Originally Titled "Depressed"
~"Three days now, I have felt crappy. Hate feeling like this. Getting nothin' done around the house. Just lay in bed. Think it's a combination of a lot of things. Been out of my O.C.D. medication. That certainly doesn't help my emotions, anxiety, etc...Makes a huge difference. Wanted to try to quit smoking, as my son had asked me to do for him, for a Christmas present, but have not even called the number for the support group at
. HUGE guilt factor there, which is causing much of my depression. Every time I light one up, he looks at me with those gorgeous green eyes, and I see nothing but sadness and disapproval spilling from them. He has stopped bugging me about it, but the look in his eyes bothers me more than words ever could. Everyone seems so dang depressed, at least today, anyway. My (“Biological/Sorta”) little Sister DEPRESSED, my Mama DEPRESSED, Hubby DEPRESSED, "Other Family Members" DEPRESSED. Certainly, I know a few Sisters back in Bama that are definitely DEPRESSED. DEPRESSED, DEPRESSED, DEPRESSED!!!! Shit!! I am sick of depression. Just knowing ever the worst depression will be coming for me soon makes me MORE DEPRESSED. This weather is DEPRESSING. I wish it were still freezing cold. I hate a January without cold weather. Memorial Hospital
(I am definitely a Winter Girl. I just like to make you all think I am a "Summer Girl"! AND BY THE TIME THIS WAS POSTED ON MY BLOG IT HAD TURNED FREEZING COLD! HeHeee!)
~I wish I didn't have the piles and piles of laundry that lay there calling out my name like a moth to a flame. (Used a different analogy/simile in my journal but I have "edited it for content".) (SMILE) The frickin' "Cat Calls" from across the
Lake piss me off ever more. Maybe I am more "pissed off" than just "depressed". I know how my little sis feels about all those clothes she has been told to go through and organize this morning; she says it depresses her. I understand completely, sister. I guess at 43 years old I could be grateful for a "cat call" here and there, but not today. Just pisses me off, is all. In addition to the content of my writing being all over the place, my handwriting is just horrible, as well. Grrrr.
(Welcome to my non-medicated O.C.D. World folks. Jumping around in subject matter. Worrying about handwriting and it is a miracle that I had not torn out pages and pages of this journal and started over again from the very beginning!!)
~I am uncomfortable, even in my own skin. Yes, things could be worse. Things ARE worse for many others in my life, as well as others not in my life, but this is MY life and today MY life is bad enough. The phone doesn't wring...ring. No friends that I can call and say, "Hey come help me with this crazy laundry and organizing" or " Hey, come help me get these damn Christmas decorations in these boxes I bought and put away!”, not like I could when I lived back in Bama. At least I DID have that luxury in "Where I Live". GOOD GOD! Wanted out of that horrid place for 10+ years and now I sit with fond memories? WTH? Writing as if I long to be back there...
I love my husband dearly for getting us out of there. For buying us this beautiful home and getting us both close to our ailing parents, BUT what I long for, really, is female companionship, which is a blessing that I DID have in that place "Where I Live".
~Take Griselda, for example…and even Rosalind, I could call on these two at the drop of a hat for the above reasons and they would most times drop what they were doing and come over just to help me with my laundry. These Soul Sisters all well know my "Laundry Issues". Elinor too. I can hear her in my head saying “Call me! I will come help…”
Beatrice would come and sometimes I could even get Ophelia out of her place to assist me or just sit with me. Not just for laundry though; had it not been for Elinor, I don't think we could have packed our home as fast or as neatly as we did. Although Elinor and I had not been hanging out much that Summer, she was there with bells on and we had tasty adult beverages! We blasted music that first night packing, dancing, laughing, falling over each other and even spying on her daughter down the street! Surprisingly, we accomplished a lot that night. She helped for three entire days, and I just don’t know what I would have done without her and her hubby. It is a fabulous memory that I will hold close to my heart, forever. Even Beatrice lent a hand in the packing on our last day, along with help from Ophelia. When Beatrice came across some unmentionables in our bedroom, we ALL fell out laughing. We had to laugh some of the time, because it was a sad day for us, I must say, and packing up was the last activity anyone wanted to do, except for my husband and Papa. SNAP TO IT! (SMILE)
What we really wanted to do was to sit and have a good old fashioned AA Meeting, (Inside joke among us Sisters) but we all knew that was impossible. There would be no more of those "good ole days". Will there ever be "good ole days" again? That is what I am feeling today. As messed up as some of those friendships may have been, or rather, "may have seemed", I could count on one thing, they were there. Every time I write those words I think about MJ singing his tribute "You Were There" to Sammy Davis Jr. on that stage. "YOU WERE THERE". The song may not fit the occasion, but the feeling MJ had toward Sammy, and oh how you could see his emotions that night, that is the exact same feeling I have for my Soul Sisters, because each in their own special way, THEY WERE THERE. Especially if I just needed to talk, to vent and even to listen, they were there. I absolutely do not feel as if I have that here. At all.
(It would assuredly be beneficial to give myself and others here in Missippi, more credit, at this moment, but in my journal, on this day, I do not.)
Back to the journal!
~Oh and I cannot forget Tess! Tess, a lovely, quirky, productive, compassionate, but somewhat naive Sister, whom I came to know better in such a short time, just before leaving that place. (I knew Tess for over a year, as she lived in a home only 2 doors down from me. Our sons were best friends, but LIFE was in the way at the time for both of us, and we truly didn't get to know each other until after her divorce and until after she had moved into her own precious apartment.) We have so much in common, especially the naive part! We would probably have gotten into some big trouble (alone) had we more time together, just because of our childlike and trusting nature. What a huge heart my Tess has. As messed up as things were in Tess' world, she would drop what she was doing at the moment, never wavering, and would be there for me, if I called, and sometimes, even if I didn't call!
I will never, ever forget our "Girls Spa Day", as it has to be one of my most fond memories from "Where I Live”. We had a blast! Nor will I forget that morning we drove to Starbucks after Tess having such a deranged night before...we needed caffeine!! We got in her car and Tess cranked up the music (I mean LOUD) and I looked at her in wonderment, for I knew, at that very moment, I had found another Soul Sister...FINALLY, another girl who loves to blast the tunes in the car no matter where, no matter when, no matter what the circumstances but mostly, no matter our age!! Turn it up, Sister! We giggled, we danced, we sang (loudly and mostly off key!) and I almost "knocked her out" for continually changing the songs...A.D.D. TESS! (Meaning absolutely no offense, I can say this to Tess, which she knows, because I have O.C.D. and any of us who have an acronym for our disorders, well, we can talk to each other in this manner! Same with Griselda and me. It's actually pretty funny to see an O.C.D. person being best friends with and interacting with an A.D.D. person.)
There was also the day she came over after a "big fight" and brought Caleb and me lunch. Genuinely concerned, Tess always was. She came to cheer us up and it worked.
~I tried, and usually did, reciprocate the same to all of the Sisters, straight from my heart, even without thinking. I believe that “heart” is the crucial word here. All of my Soul Sisters have a huge heart, which has to be what brought us together; Our Huge Hearts Calling to Each Other Through Our Beautiful Souls. Still, I very much miss my Bama Girls, no matter what the circumstance or even ‘consequence’ may be, I will forever be connected. “LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER” Hahaha! I know one narcissistic “man” who would love to “put asunder” these beloved friendships, but no matter how hard he has tried, and continues to try, you see, it is too late. AS I SAID: “We are ALL (already) FOREVER connected”, now, and that is exactly what I mean by the words “SOUL SISTERS”, forever connected. He may die trying, but it will NEVER happen. Some of us may never speak again…but still, forever connected. (Explicit Language removed here!!) (Also, must add, by understandable request, that I am NOT writing about my HUBBY~JEFFREY, when I speak of a “man” above.)
~One would rationalize that, after 5 long months, which seems more like a lifetime, that this wouldn’t be the case, (Me not having close girlfriends here…) but it is. I may have blogged about that terrible place called “Where I Live”, and wrote dreadful accounts about the place, and those accounts and feelings have not changed one bit, but these girls I call Soul Sisters, whom I became very close with, at the end of that chapter in my life over there, are entirely different than the “Place”, over there. (Does that make sense? I hope so! Insert O.C.D. Here)
~Some of them I knew longer than others. As I said above, Rosalind I have known since the first 2 weeks of moving there, in fact she worked with me for several years. Griselda, almost four years, others, such as Tess, not even a year, but it was like we knew each other a life time. Elinor lived just down the street from us and we met shortly after moving into our new home. Our relationship was close and then distant over the years, but we always seemed to find our way back to one another, and when we did, it was like we had seen each other just yesterday…to me that is TRUE FRIENDSHIP.
It is the meaning of a BFF, a Soul Sister. Forever connected, no matter what the circumstance. Rosalind and I were pretty much the same way, of course not all situations are the same, but one element remains constant and that is this; we picked up right where we left off, not wavering in our support, love or strong bond that will forever be there. Soul Sisters.
~Griselda, my amenable and beautiful Griselda. It must be over FOUR years, now, since we first met at that table, in that school…good times, Sister, good times. I truly miss those wacky days! That PTO!!! Thought we may go insane, but we always got through it, somehow. I will never forget the day we were so STRESSED that we about knocked each other out in my home, but as is the way with Soul Sisters, we forgave and forgot and got on about the business of raising that money for the school and boy, did we ever!
The Beach. The Book. Zoom Zoom! The Stress. The Mess. The Concession Stand. The
Reunion. Just like it was yesterday. Gris, I love you and miss you much much. You always made me laugh and when it was time, you set me straight and reminded me just exactly WHY I was supposed to move away from there. I will NEVER forget that. You love so deeply and so passionately. I cannot wait to read your NOVEL, someday. I am overjoyed that things turned out the way they did for you…it is YOUR time, Sister.
~Beatrice, my beautiful, tell it like it is, tried and true
Sister. I will never, ever forget our Hair Appointment at Jim’s Salon! Absolutely fun times! Vodka and Lemonade…Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Those were some great conversations, very colorful, they were! “OOOHHH GIRL!” and YOU always made me laugh too, still do... Baldwin County
Never forget this: The truth shall set you free, dhaling! It will come and all will be as is suppose to be. Thank you for checking on me almost every day. Thank God for texting…right? Just waiting on your next visit…Bare-footing in the Sand, we will be! NO MORE SHOES! Shoes are for sissies anyway. I love you, my darlin’ Beatrice.
~Ophelia, beautiful child. I have written and said enough over the last five months…ENOUGH ALREADY! Just know (and I know you do), that you will always be in my heart. SOUL SISTERS. I DO understand. I see where you are and now realize I cannot save you. I have finally come to terms. It’s time for you to do “that” work. God love you, Child, my heart aches for you, as it has over the last 10 months. Thanks for the laughs…you cracked me up the most. Thanks for the memories and greatest phone conversations ever! TEXTING TOO! 999 TIMES! I’ll shut up now, Ophelia. I have to let you go. Truly "go". I hope and DO pray that you will do what is best. Best for you and you know who(s). I love you.
~Why did it have to be that I became so close to these precious women just before leaving; Some kind of sick joke? After all those years living…no, existing, in that place “Where I Live”, and going through some quite tumultuous relationships with women, I had finally found Soul Sisters, and then I am gone.
G-O-N-E…Gone. Men do not understand it, God Bless‘em, they try, but they just cannot relate. My hubby has tired to help, but it just doesn’t seem to be working out. Is it me? Does it take time? “IT TAKES TIME”...I intensely despise that old saying. (I have already shared my thoughts on that absurd statement.) It’s my belief that when you meet someone, as I did with these women, you recognize it. You just click. You bond quickly and then there is no stopping the closeness that comes immediately after your first meeting. Will I ever have these kinds of friendships again? Not for a while, this I do know, for I have built up a wall again. Locked my heart AGAIN. No one else will get the key this time, and although it is a very lonely place to be, this assures that I will not be hurt, as I very recently have been. Even though that hurt was pushed on both of us sisters by circumstances way beyond her control, it caused me to close my heart, leaving no room for any more pain. A heart can only take so much.
Someone once texted me these very words (Her own words, not a forward), “It’s the kind of friendship that comes around once in a lifetime and whether you realize you need it or not, it came at just the right time.”