If I could wear the same shirt every day of my life, that is what it would say.
My generation, mostly, and the younger generations would know exactly what it means, and I wouldn't have to keep answering the same question over & over again. "What's wrong with you?". If I knew the answer to that question, maybe I wouldn't feel so sad all of the time. I'm so damn sick of feeling sad. Do you think I want to feel like this? I'm so damn tired of the judgments, such as, "There are people worse off than you" and "At least you have (this reason or that reason) to be alive". Walk a mile in my flip flops and then judge me. I can not, for the life of me, tell anyone why I feel so sad. I think about it daily, asking myself; Is it the financial problems? Is it that I miss my life, still, back in Bama? Is it residual effects from all the medication I used to take? Is it that my Synthroid isn't working anymore? Is it that I'm having to ask others for help to keep food in my child's belly daily? Goes back to financial problems. What about the house, the cars, the electric & water, the cable, phone & Internet? Not to mention my sons medications, school supplies, music school tuition, clothing, gas for the cars, DAMN IT! Basic needs to live & breathe & cope in this slowly deteriorating world. How will we ever catch up?
Causes a person to be physically weak, not wanting to get out of the bed, answer the phone or even want to eat. I used to love food! Hell, I used to love a lot of things. Shopping, Starbucks, music, dancing, makeup, football, social media... Not anymore. These things all feel like chores to me, now days.
"Go see a therapist," some say. Therapy is everywhere... Did you know that you can even see a therapist over the phone? 'sure can, instead of picking up the phone book to let your fingers do the walking, you can get out your laptop and let your fingers do the typing! Find the counselor of your choice and just pick up the phone. In this age of "online everything" you can even get online therapy. I know because I thought seriously about doing it but then I remember, we don't have the money~And here we are back at finances again.
I guess I don't need a therapist to tell me that I'm severely depressed.
I know what this is, Severe Depressive Disorder, and I wish, so badly, I could put my big girl panties on, pull up my boot straps and look it straight in the face and say,"FUCK YOU!", but I can't. I've tried that too and it isn't working. So. There's always the coward's way out... But my son & my Christian raising stops me from doing that. Don't be so surprised and don't be so judgmental. Yes, I've tried praying. I've asked for prayer, and like I said, walk a mile in my flip flops and let's see how YOU deal.